I’ll dream of you.

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Words of Advice : Thursday Edition

  • Don’t ignore the good because of one second of bad

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I tried writing about it then but I never got around to posting it but I think now is the most fitting time. I lost my beautiful cousin last September due to a car accident. It was a very trying time for me. I’ve lost people throughout my life but nothing of this magnitude. Family members have passed and while I grieve for my other family members, it never hit me the way this did. I always felt like they had a chance of living life to the fullest and it was just their time to go. I feel like that’s so awful but I don’t want to pretend otherwise. But for her to go? She was still so young in her thirties. There was so much more – wasn’t there? It really set in stone the fact that nothing is guaranteed. I knew this of course but it still throws you off balance. No one is immune to reality. I mention this backstory because it plays into how I am feeling today. For months I never had a dream with my cousin in it. It’s unusual for me because when something is troubling me it will find some way to impact my dreams. It bothered me that I didn’t have anything related to it pop up at one point or another. I also was afraid that I would never hear her voice again. I didn’t care if it was while I was sleeping. I just wanted to hear her say something again. Anything. And then it happened. It started six hours earlier in the day when I was taking a shower – that sounds really odd but it’s relevant, I promise. I was in the shower and I started talking to her in my thoughts. I told her about this and that – what color I was thinking of doing my hair next, the guy who smiled at me and it made my entire week, and about this new project I was working on. I also asked her some questions. Was I doing the right thing? Is it smart to take this risk? What happens if it doesn’t work out? I kept rambling on because I knew I could. She wasn’t here to tell me to shut up but I’m sure she may have been rolling her eyes for me being so dramatic. Cut to a few hours later when I am a sobbing mess in my bed. I had fallen asleep and a dream played out. I was out in a house where I would see her in the summer. It was a reunion of sorts. The first time we were all seeing each other since her passing. I was curious to find out how my family members were handling the aftermath of the situation. I was playing with my younger cousins when all of a sudden I heard a voice telling me that I had to go with them immediately. It wasn’t a scary tone but more of I shouldn’t miss what was about to happen kind of thing. This woman with long brown hair and a sweet smile tugged at my hand and led me outside. It was her. She started telling me about a plan she had and while I thought it was silly I went along with it because she was so excited. We quickly rushed towards the front of the house so no one would overhear our idea. I remember running so fast through the lawn. There were concrete steps up ahead and I was going so fast that I couldn’t stop. I either had to jump over the steps or halt – risking injury either way. I remember shouting about how I was afraid to jump because I thought I was going to hit the ground too hard. In that split second of hesitation she responded by saying it was okay to jump. I wouldn’t get hurt, she reassured me. I trusted her and so I went sailing through the air and landed on the street. I did stumble but not enough to cause any pain. I spun around and started yelling that I did it! I was so happy and so was she. She just stood there looking at me with this huge grin like she knew all along I was going to be okay.Then a bumble bee buzz went shooting up my spine and I woke up. I sat there in my bed in the ignorant bliss of what I had just experienced in my dream. I felt good. And somewhere through the smiling in my covers I sprang up and realized what had just happened. It was her. In my dream. I had finally had a dream with her in it. Tears started pouring out of my eyes to the point where I was shaking and nodding my head. Somehow she heard me and she responded, I thought. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it’s something. I’ll never know for sure but god, did it feel nice to have a dream like that. She had looked so pretty in it too with this gold glow as she walked. I recall asking her how she was dealing with her death and she didn’t respond which I find funny. All I remember was this smirk like she way saying ” How am I dealing with it? I’m the one who is gone!” I know people cringe when others mention their dreams but this one was important for me. I really needed to hear someone say that it was okay to risk a fall because even if you stumble, you’ll still manage to stand up and take the next step. It’s especially relevant in my life right now. The next day I took a little leap of faith – maybe it wasn’t the biggest jump but it still was something. Just like anything… I started to forget this lesson as the weeks went on and I had to remind myself of it today. I had a wonderful day. It was so good that I think it could count as my happiest moment…. And then something not so great happened.. Or didn’t. I don’t know for sure yet and this is where I get into trouble. I over analyze until I drive myself into a bad mood, driven by un verified facts. As I was started to do this I stopped and remembered my dream. How that dream gave me a bit of courage to just jump and not question everything on the way down. With each jump I make I risk a piece of me getting hurt but sometimes I will land and be okay. Other time’s I might not be so lucky. But without choosing to ever take a leap I will always remain in the same place I was in which could hurt me more in the long run ( like if I paused suddenly in my dream the impact of me braking might have been worse) I rather decide to fly. Because it feels so good to do something and see a positive outcome. Today was one of those times. This next step? I’m going to go with it and jump. We shall see what happens.

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