I can too.

I read the words you wrote & I cried. Not for me but for you. I cried not only because you had it so wrong but that you truly believed what you were saying. The last time we spoke you called me a mess and that’s when I finally got to say all the things I had bottled up for so long. I was so afraid of stepping out of line. I was so frightened to upset the peace. But my god there never was any peace was there? It was always about rules and regulations. You had a long list of demands but never cared enough to follow them on your own. It was always about what everyone else was doing wrong. You want to try and tell me that you never made a mistake in your life? I can name a few for you. But that’s not what I am here to do. Because unlike you I am not out to hate or be vengeful. I wasn’t brought up that way no matter how many times you guys tried to change that. I was raised by someone who did everything in her power to make sure I didn’t turn out like you. And I see the bruises and marks on her heart and I thank her over and over for fighting for me. You always told me to say thank you for all the gifts and presents you gave. But did you ever think to thank her?

You’ll never get it though will you? Look at all the things that have happened. It all leads back to one person and one person only. You know who that is. I let you poison the things I loved and if I were to have any regrets in life then maybe that would be it. But I really don’t. It took longer than it should have but I finally woke up and realized how toxic it was to have you all in my life. Things aren’t perfect but they are so much better knowing that you don’t have the power to hurt me anymore.  You claimed you were doing it for my own good. I would thank you one day for all the things you gave me. But you put a price tag on just about anything – including your so called love. You didn’t love me. That wasn’t love. That was control. I was a punching bag for your hurt and it didn’t stem from me or from her…

I was told to be the bigger person. I always was. I did anything and everything I could to make you approve of me. I was constantly reminded that you were someone to aspire to be — but only by you. And being the younger one I believed you. Little did I know that I should have been striving for the opposite.

Do you know that I waited until the last second of that day? I expected you to call, realizing what a mistake it was to let it get that far. But that call never came and I guess I can’t really be surprised. You say that you didn’t notice we were weren’t there? I don’t believe that for a second. I’m sure you did. I hope you did. Not for my sake but for the two young children that you tossed aside. The one’s you judged at every move but never ever fucking cared enough to get to know them for the wonderful, smart and beautiful children they are. They were young but they were not blind to your coldness. I asked him if he would ever want to have children and he responded by saying ” No, I can’t imagine ever having a child grow up to do to me what she did to her. ”

Money, gifts, cards are nothing of meaning for me. Not coming from you. Those are your get out of jail free cards for when you need to fall asleep at night. 

And once again you tried to come back but only because you needed it. You didn’t acknowledge the past but only focused on what you wanted out of the conversation. And then you were gone. But we picked up because that’s what we do. We still to this day wouldn’t turn our backs because that’s what you do, not us.

You posted a picture on National Sibling Day of all of us. It had been around a year since we had talked. You can lie so easily with the click of a button. You can twist the story to fit your own narrative all you want. But the truth remains.

We didn’t give up. You did.

And for the one who claims to be a bystander. You were and yet you remained silent. You claim to have needed me there  but where the hell were you when I needed you? Oh that’s right. Still feeding into two phone calls and changing the facts to appeal to my innocence. I listened. I heard you. But that’s all I have to do to know that I at least tried to give it another chance. And what I heard was nothing but fabricated lies. I wish it didn’t interfere. I wish I didn’t have to miss it. But how can I associate with someone who stood back in silence watching what someone was doing to their sibling. I don’t understand that. I can never choose who you want to be around but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it.

I wish you well despite all you have done. But I will do the same for me. And that can and will not include you.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s