“I think of all the thousands of billions of steps and missteps and chances and coincidences that have brought me here. Brought you here, and it feels like the biggest miracle in the world.” – Lauren Oliver
There are things on my mind. About you, of course. It’s always about you. I thought you hated me when I first saw you. You gave me a stare like I was the most irritating person around you. I couldn’t understand why but I tried to let it go. I knew I couldn’t though. It still nagged at me every time I ran into you. It shouldn’t have. I didn’t know you. What did I have to prove to you? But then I saw you smile. You were talking to someone and that smile on your face hit me – even the distance between us couldn’t block the view of that lighthouse beam glow you had on. I didn’t even know you and yet it crushed me. I felt hurt even though I had no reason to be. You didn’t owe me a smile or the time of day. I wanted to know what I did to upset you. Why you didn’t like me. Why the hell wasn’t I the one standing beside you making you happy like they did? I ignored it as much as I could. I kept smiling at you like I had the upper hand and you kept moving along like my pain meant nothing to you. It didn’t, I know and that drove me crazy. I just wanted to talk to you or get you to smile or something. Anything to let me know that I wasn’t the worst person you encountered in your life. And one day it happened. You spoke to me and smiled… okay it wasn’t as joyous as the one before but hell, it meant the world to me. And with the short, few words you said, you meant the world to me. Maybe that’s what it was all along. I cared about you. I cared so much. That’s why I couldn’t stand to think I did something wrong towards you. I don’t even remember what you said exactly. I was too caught up in the fact that you were. You probably don’t know how much you pop into my mind but you do. Oh god, you do. I hate days when you are gone. It makes me remember all the things about this place that seem out of place when you aren’t around. I feel out of place when you aren’t here. I can hear the voices of opinionated know it all’s and all I want is your voice that makes any gloomy morning a little better. I don’t know what will or won’t be but I thank whatever made you decide to talk to me. It’s still going to rain but I’d laugh with rain drops kissing my cheeks if it meant getting to listen to you go on in those random mumbles.