I need to ask you a favor. It’s nothing too major. I just need you to listen. Would you please hear me when I say that there are certain days that will be difficult for me? I know it’s not easy to find the right words. I don’t need you to offer a solution I just need you to be here for me. I won’t ask for much. I probably won’t ask for anything because I know there really isn’t anything you can do to make it all better. I don’t want to inconvenience you. But as I lie here trying desperately to close my eyes all I can think about is who I would want right next to me while I pray and plead for the morning hours. See, in the daylight I can go out and find that smile that makes those bad moments a little brighter but right now I’m at a loss for what to do. I can close my eyes but it leads to nothing. No calm rush, no sweet dreams. Only frustration. My computer is blinking telling me it’s 1:00 am. I should be asleep but I’m not. It happens once in awhile and when it does I have no other choice than to wait for exhaustion to sink in. For the last year I’ve experienced a feeling I could only describe as hell take over the lower portion of my body. Like someone pinched a nerve, twisted it and watched in laughter at the aftermath. I never know when my legs and ankles will ever settle back down. It happens at random times and when it does I know there is very little I can do to make it stop. Somewhere between the tears and burning eyes I find myself waking up to a new day. While it doesn’t plague my existence 24/7, the fear always remains of the next time.
I don’t need you to tell me how to fix it but I need you to understand. Nothing makes me angrier than to hear someone say that I should get over it. Or that if I distract myself I will instantly feel better because it’s all in my head. I know when someone is about to switch into doctor mode. It’s a tone of voice I’ve grown to resent. Because nothing they say is ever different than what I tell them. I do distract myself and on most days it will work but there is only so much I can do before it takes over. I have tried finding answers and while I haven’t given up I am still dealing with the in between.
I appreciate patience and I appreciate acceptance. Knowing me means knowing what I do face in my life. There will be mostly good days but a bad day may occur and that is when I’ll need you the most. Trust me, this is one excuse I wish I didn’t have.
And my heart breaks for those out there that do face things they don’t have a solution for. My case is mild and I can’t imagine how it is to live in constant pain. So I applaud those who do make it through and I hope that you are never at a loss of someone to turn to when you really need it. The best thing someone can do for me is just talk with me. About nothing or about everything. They don’t even realize how much it helps to keep it off my mind.
And if you ever have someone in your life that doesn’t understand or thinks it’s a nuisance to “deal” with you and whatever you are struggling to handle then please have a heart to heart with them… and if they still don’t understand that your pain is real then kindly tell them to shove off. You are already facing enough to add trying to convince someone that you are hurting to your list.
I am optimistic that it’s not the end all be all but it’s a process. I am more than willing to talk with the those who would like to know more. I know I can’t do it alone so throwing ideas around might spark something I’ve never heard of.