Today marks one year since my cousin passed away in a car accident. I didn’t even realize it until I saw her dad post something on Facebook. I was glad that the “On This Day” feature didn’t bring up last years posting. It’s hard to believe it’s been a full year. It seems like it’s been the longest and shortest year since. Losing a family member like that has been a great struggle for me to understand and accept. It brought light to many important aspects of life – the good and the bad. I felt like an exposed nerve in the aftermath. I felt guilt within myself for all the things I have done and didn’t do. It was difficult to grasp that life has no limits on what it can do to you. The thought is always there but until it actually occurred it was something I never gave much attention. There is no perfect way to grieve. The following days after it I just watched movies and played video games. I didn’t want to do anything but sit and get lost in another world because mine was falling around me. In movies you can rewind the good parts and watch them over again and you can skip over the bad. In games you can restart when you make a bad move. I desperately wished for it to be the same in reality but of course that isn’t the case. I had to rely on escaping into the screen before me. There was a day a few weeks after where I was with some family members on a drive and we reached a decent sized hill that had a steep drop next to it. I had a panic attack. I knew the driver was going to do everything they could to get us off the road without any bumps but the fear of knowing what could happen seeped into every inch of my body and mind. I had a complete breakdown. I felt embarrassed afterwards. I still do when I am afraid of something. I do not want to fear life. I’m getting better about letting life run how it needs to but it’s not always easy. I did some grieving again this week over things I can’t change but I’ve had a whole year of practice. It hurts but I must accept how things are that I can’t interfere with and work forward from there. I will not let pain blind me from the love I originally saw nor will I let it control me. I did some crying and I did some smiling. This might not seem right to consider this a “Friday Little Love Moments” posting due to the sadness of it but it’s real. The biggest lesson I learned from her passing is that I can go through a range of emotions and know how to appreciate all of it. I found ways to use everything I experience to better myself.
-The Rose Guide