All I could see was a brown, blurred darkness through a curly strand of my hair. I was sobbing for god knows how long into my shaking hands. I had enough. I started screaming in my head to anyone that could hear me that I wanted nothing more than to be alright again.
Last night was a real low point for me. I have been in so much pain over the last week and it just kept coming yesterday and today. I don’t know what’s going on . I don’t know when I’ll be able to get an appointment to possibly find out. I don’t know how tonight is going to go… but I know one thing for damn sure… I went out with some family a few minutes ago to distract myself from the pain boiling inside me and I was listening to Madilyn Bailey’s cover of Believe and there was something about the combination of her soothing powerful notes, the fog that blanketed the car and the warmth of the lampposts glowing that kept saying to me that it’s not going to be like this anymore. It can’t. Whatever I have to do to get through this unknown pain spell I will do. I will not let myself succumb to a sting inside of me. I am going to think about going to Boston in a few weeks or getting my hair done soon. I am looking forward to the fall weather and sharing new projects with you guys. I will focus on positive things that are to come and not give another moment of my time to thinking about what I can’t change this second within my body. I have no answers right now for that and while it has been exhausting trying to sleep or get through the day without hunching over in frustration I have to try my best to ignore it. It’s the weekend. Doctors I can see are not around. I have to find a way to breathe and continue forward. I am going to clean. I am going to watch a movie. Write and read. Sing and laugh. Anything I can do to fake my way until then.
Ps. If anyone has any movie suggestions please leave a comment letting me know some. I have a feeling I might being watching a few tonight.