Eulogizing the complicated relationship?

 

How do you grieve for someone who you had a complicated past with? Is it possible? I guess it all depends. I didn’t want to write about this due to it being a personal matter but I realized maybe I’ll learn something from just writing it all down. We got the call everyone dreads this morning. I’ve grown to hate the sound of a ringing phone. It has brought along too many tears and sleepless nights. Telemarketer calls aren’t that much better either in my opinion. This time the call rang to inform us that my grandmother had passed away. Last time a phone call of this nature happened I broke down in sobs because it hit way too hard. I did cry this time but not for the same reasons. I cried for my mother but not so much for myself. The reason being is that I hadn’t seen or talked to her in a few years. There was a falling out and through all the attempts to find some common ground I realized there was no point in it and that we were better off going separate ways.. So for some of us it has already been like a death. Now it’s just permanent. It sounds weird to type out and say but that’s how it’s felt for however long it’s been since the last time we spoke. It’s even weirder to not feel the normal aftershocks of losing someone you once really cared for. This change is still brand new so perhaps it time it will feel differently but for right now I just feel like I did before. My feelings before on the situation still remain the same. I said time and time again that it shouldn’t have gone this far but no matter what feelings were expressed nothing changed in regards of making the original reasoning for our departure any better. I’m laying on my bed looking out at the sky and the dimmed down sun beams stream through the gaps of  the leaves and I am left feeling baffled. I honestly don’t know how to comprehend this. This family matter didn’t end neatly with a tied bow so what now?

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