Letters I Will Never Send : [ Letter One ]

Maybe I should have stuck around a little longer. Even one second longer. Would it have changed my life? Did I miss out on the one? To be honest, I wasn’t in the best frame of my mind to make  good decisions – if I were I would have gave you more of my time but I was too focused on the next step of getting home. That was my first thought that year and basically every thought from the first drop of the bag on the hardwood floor to the last stop on the train back. I didn’t want to settle in. I had no plans for getting comfortable. I just wanted that ticket in my hand and my belongings by my side. I didn’t have enough room in my mind for you. I thought you were cute, there’s no question about that but the side glances and smiles ended as soon as I left that class. You were a good distraction for a girl lost in a place she didn’t belong in. You should have been more than that. You gave me every ounce of attention that any girl could have wanted but I was busy living in my sorrows of homesickness. It’s something that I want to kick myself over from time to time. Years have passed and I sometimes wonder where you are now. Are you seeing someone? Are you happy? I hope you are. I hope someone else stayed for a moment more. You thanked me on that last meeting…actually it was more like “Uhh thank you” with a hand out and a half smile, waiting for a response. I said it was no big deal and smiled in return. It was a big deal. I knew it when I had returned from the interruption from a friend to see you smiling as you put your head down and began to walk away. What if I ignored that friend.. What if I said something more.. What if I made it a bigger deal..what if… So I am saying it now.. Even though it’s too late to make up for it. But the thank you should have gone to you. For making me realize that slow downs are good occasionally. What if I had done that then? What if…

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