I almost skipped doing a post today but I decided against it because the whole purpose of doing these is to force myself to appreciate something about the week. It’s not that I can’t find anything but so much has occurred within the last few days that my mind needs some time to catch up. The biggest event this week was today. I went to visit a family member who I haven’t spoken to or seen in a few years due to her grandmother being sick and in her final days. This was a very difficult decision for me because there is a lot of water under the bridge. I want to put it aside due to life being so short but there is still a great deal of pain that hasn’t been fully addressed. Neither the less, we still went as a surprise and reunited if only briefly. It was a very strange experience for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an emotional person and can easily be set off in tears during tough moments but I held my ground. Was it emotional? Yes, on a few different levels but there have been so many things that have happened since our last meeting that are front and center in my mind. Everyone else cried but I just couldn’t. Not there & not yet. I don’t know if I will ever fully feel right again with us but I tried and that’s all I can do. It was very odd to be back in a place that I swore I’d never step foot into again. A place that gave me such anxiety for a very long time but I put on a brave face and proceeded. I liked being back in the city but it was hard, I’ll say that. What I got out of this was that even though I was put back in a situation that could have broken me down, I feel as though I handled it well. I’m not the same as I was all those years ago. I found a voice that I was afraid to use for so long and I didn’t revert with a step through the door. I don’t know what this means for the future but in a way it’s a good thing. I don’t want to be the one to shy away from uncomfortable things because I am scared. That’s just not me anymore.
Best of love to all of you & have a beautiful weekend. What was good about your week?
– The Rose Guide