I had just finished finals. I didn’t have to go back to classes which meant I was in full Christmas mode. I was at a cvs when my phone beeped with a news alert. My holiday spirit quickly turned from a joyous celebration to a heart wrenching need to throw up…. And throw up I did. It’s been 4 years and every time I pass an elementary school I feel a twist in my chest. Maybe it hit closer to home for me, I don’t know. All I can say is that things went downhill fast from that point. I felt ill for weeks after. I couldn’t look at anything without getting sick. All the lights and decorations were tainted. We had to drive back from somewhere and we had to go through the town on the day of one of the boys funerals and I cried and cried and shouted at the car for making us take that route. I was a mess. I couldn’t handle it. I thought about it every single day, never missing a day for the next year. It affected me in such a way that I had to train myself not to focus on it. It was a ptsd type of situation I think. Then one day it faded out where I  was only reminded during certain drives or going by specific places… and that hurts too. It can’t be something ignored. I’m not going to get into a battle of this or that of my opinion on certain matters. All I want to do is remember those little ones & adults. Families and friends. Anyone affected by that day. My thoughts are with you.


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