This is the 1st for me

I can hear the echos of that 8 year old, wavy haired, girl shouting “watch me” to her friends and family whenever she was about to attempt something. It was either going to be amazingly great or horribly embarrassing but that crooked tooth, little darling, didn’t care. She was going to try and that’s all that mattered to her. I want to be that girl again. Ready to take on anything she wants to do without overthinking the results. I did so much as a child – great things and some god awful cringe worthy things. I got to ride a horse backwards when I did horseback riding lessons. I sang my lungs out with my best friend in a last minute karaoke entry. I do not have a good singing voice by any means but we belted out that Carrie Underwood song like it was nothing to hit those notes. I can recall the uncomfortable shifting by my dad & the Party City employee as I insisted I wanted to be a soccer ref for Halloween. I didn’t understand why they were so concerned at the time but my sister later explained what 69 meant and why it was highly inappropriate for a young girl to be wearing that number in a short skirt and black and white top… but there I was in that store demanding to be a cute ref. I am still in horror about learning what was the actual problem with that. I fell flat on my face each time I tried to do a cartwheel but I kept on trying because I really wanted to be a member in the cheerleading group my friends had created. I wasn’t afraid to attempt the unknown in life. I know that mentality has faded with the years and I am more cautious about what I do. I’m really tired of living like that. I make resolutions every year on January 1st and the months past by and things don’t really change. But they do and I just didn’t realize it. I put so much effort into making specific goals that I can get dissapointed quickly when things aren’t going as planned. I’m not going to wait for the 1st. I’m going to just jot a few things down and start now. There are so many things I want to do but the chances of me doing them all are slim. I have to be realistic. Life throws unexpected twists and turns every second so as much as I want to get everything done it might happen or it may not but I can let that discourage me. Life is always about improving. If I manage to check off a few things it will be good. As for the rest, I am not setting a time limit. Those things will happen when they should. All I can do is try and that’s the best way to begin.

 

Here are some of my goals for this year :

 

• Dance around when the weather gets warm again in a bikini. Last time I made a set weight goal for myself and I managed to get there but I still don’t feel confident enough yet in one and that’s okay. My health journey has been plagued with highs and lows and for right now I am just happy that I am doing alright.

 

• Get the gap in my tooth fixed. This costs a hefty penny but it’s something I’ve disliked so much since getting my braces off. It was still there when it came off and I have yet to feel comfortable with smiling in a photo with my teeth showing. I may have to sell my soul for it but if there is some way to get it done I would love to because it’s one of those tiny things that always prevents me in photos from really showing how damn happy I am.

 

• Get a few more chapters done in my book. I’ve been working on one for awhile now and just recently found a burst of inspiration. Going back to writing it has been a great outlet. I will be forever thankful to those who have inspired me to write again.

 

• Get back to Boston and take as many photos possible. I felt so wonderful being there in May and I want to be able to capture that again. I made it a promise to go back even if only for a few hours. Anyone need some reviews done? If you have any favorite spots over in Boston, please let me know for my return trip. I would love to check them out!

 

• Make some ground in improving my overall health. I am not setting any specific goals here because I know that the answers don’t come easily but I need to take more responsibility in finding ways to improve the situation.

 

• Standing my ground when my ground is being shaken. I have gotten better at voicing my opinion but there are still situations in which I need to speak up.

 

• Help someone in need. I’ve been working on this and I can’t wait to share it. I know I have been so lucky to have people who have taken the time to help me and I want to give that feeling back to another if possible.

 

• Climb to new heights. I am not a heights person in the slightest and it’s really impacted me physically and mentally over the last year. I want to shake the fear to be able to experience some amazing places with friends and family.

 

It’s a brief list and I have a bigger one in my mind but these are just some I wanted to share. Life shouldn’t be a waiting game so I either begin or feel the heaviness of things unattempted. I hope you take it upon yourself to go after what you want. Let’s not worry so much over the outcome but relish in the power in trying.

Places that bring me home.

I’ll take you to the mountain and we’ll spin around together on that carousel. I pick the frog. That’s my favorite one. Or you can watch me if you get dizzy. Somehow I feel like you’ll fall even more in love with me if you just watch. Because being on that silly little ride brings me the same joy as looking into your eyes. You remind me of that spot. Maybe it’s because I can feel my head spin as I go round and round and looking at you makes my head spin too. But it’s a good kind of feeling. It’s like letting go and not knowing where you’ll land. I pick a sight to focus on so I don’t get too hazy. I normally would pick a clock or a statue but this time I know who it will be. Let’s go in the fall so we can pick up pine cones that I can bring back home. I remember one time I collected so many in my arms that they began to fall in bundles to the ground. I didn’t mind. I just laughed. I smelt of Christmas and carols and it’s a scent that can always bring me back here. Will you go ice skating with me? I’m not the best at it but I promise not to laugh if you fall if you won’t laugh at me. And we can glide and stumble around like two idiots in love. We will resemble that ice rink I had in the house. I’d watch the couples and kids skate around as the magnets pulled them in tune with the song it sang. I’d pick them up, rearranging them with who I thought best but somehow the originals pairs always found their way back to one another. They were made that way, I guess. I don’t need matching colors to prove i’m yours. They’ll know just by the look my face. And besides, no one else around counts. I’m only watching your way. My cheeks will be rosy and it won’t only be because of the cold. Do you like hot chocolate because they have the best kind. I always burned my lips but you’re the type of person to remind me to slow down. Let it last. Everything about that place feels so magical. And you’d be the first person I’d bring. We’ll be disheveled after with your hair swept and my curls into waves. Runny noses and sniffles – we will look amazing, I just know. Our unfiltered love, that’s the type of photos to take.  Then after we’ve tired of running around the park I’ll take you two minutes down the road. It’s where the trains pass through. They looked so big to me when I was a kid but god, did I love seeing them. They looked like they were on a big adventure. And mine was watching them. I’d take a penny and put it on the track and come back the next day to see if it was flattened by a passing train. It was my little souvenir of my childhood. Sometimes I’d find them again, other times I wouldn’t. There was a mystery about each one. One penny for me. One penny for you. Let’s place them on the tracks just like I used to do. You know if I think about… if you proposed to me one day with that penny, I’d probably marry you on the spot. I don’t need anything too shiny. I don’t need anything too grand. Just you, that penny and your hand in my hand. How tall are you compared to the cat tails? I can barely reach an inch. Let’s dance like they sway. It’s kind of our own little world in here. There’s nothing much to see but I like the gravel beneath my feet. It reminds me of my yesterdays.  Oh there’s one more spot. That little town just across the bridge. There’s tiny hills lined with houses of different colors and storefronts strung with lights that look  oh so lovely. When I first came back my mind immediately went to you. Did you see that inn? Maybe we will stay there one day. I’m sure it’s even more beautiful in the morning hours. Look, there’s water down below and a slight breeze in the air. Let’s watch the boats and kayakers go by. And there are the tracks if you look straight ahead. Little do these benches and fences know the memories that were made right over there. I know it’s nothing spectacular but these spots make me dream. Maybe mine aren’t the biggest but maybe it’s all I need. This is my past and I only share it with a few. Actually one.. I’ll share it with just you.